Bringing Mother Home: Journeying Together Through the Fog of Dementia

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In this episode of 'Just Talking About Jesus,' Jan Johnson interviews Ruth Cowles, a seasoned missionary with a wealth of experiences. 

Ruth shares her story of caring for her mother with dementia. It began with small things like not turning off the stove, or the water hadn't been turned off. This was a change from the strong and stoic woman she had been.

We discuss the hard decisions that need to be made and how best to honor our parents.

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Transcript

Jan: Welcome to Just Talking About Jesus. I'm Jan Johnson, a seasoned believer who loves relationships and, you know, just talking about Jesus. Welcome Everybody, to episode 50 of Just Talking About Jesus.

Last week we heard from Mel Langston, who shared about a life of trauma and how God had redeemed her.

It's the little things that you notice first. Putting the ice cream away in the cupboard, leaving the stove on and walking away, getting lost, going somewhere you've been a dozen times.

Have you noticed similar things with your parents or those that you love?

Today we'll talk with Ruth Cowles about her mom's dementia and what that was like for her.

Ruth's varied experiences include working as a registered nurse in Pennsylvania, Illinois and Tennessee before moving to Africa to serve in missions with her husband Peter for 17 years.

While living in Africa, she rediscovered her love for teaching Bible in whatever venue was open to her. Whether working in African, British or American schools, writing curriculum, teaching adult groups, working in an international kindergarten, or serving the local church, her love for the Bible energized her teaching ministry.

After returning to the USA, Ruth's job as Minister of Women for 16 years in a local church in Kansas afforded full time opportunities for teaching, speaking, counseling, and developing leaders.

She's been married to Peter for 50 years and has two sons and one daughter who along with their wonderful spouses, have given her seven grandchildren.

Let's welcome her.

Ruth: My first job was in a county nursing home and I'd see these people and, and I would, I'd wonder, who were they? You know, I mean, this, this person, this was a vibrant person that just.

They had a, a full life and you wonder who they were. Well, when we're caring for our parents, we know who they were. And so just to keep that in mind and to just what will honor them.

Jan: Okay, welcome everybody, to Just Talking About Jesus. I have Ruth Cowles here today. Welcome, Ruth.

Ruth: Thank you.

Jan: Nice to have you here. Could you just give us a little bit of your background, your who you are, a little bio?

Ruth: Okay. All right. Well, I'm a wife and a mother and a grandmother and a great grandmother.

I've married 50 years to my husband Peter, and we have three adult children who have brought three wonderful spouses into our family. And they're seven children, so seven grandchildren. And our oldest granddaughter next to oldest granddaughter, just had her first son, so.

And due to have her second child this year. So we are just adding to the, adding to the family.

My husband and I spent 17 years in Africa as missionaries and then we moved to Kansas. I'm from Pennsylvania originally.

Jan: So.

Ruth: And so is he. And so Kansas was like a whole new new area for us, you know, uncharted ground. Right. So we're here. We've been here a number of years now, and I was on a church staff here as the minister to women.

Did a lot of teaching,

counseling, you know, leadership, things on the church staff. And then I. I retired. And since I left my job.

You know, you don't really ever retire. Right. I mean, I was raised in a ministry family. Yeah, you don't. You. You just don't get paid for it anymore. And so since retiring, I.

I do weekly women's Bible studies,

and I like writing. I'm a blogger, so I blog. And.

Yeah. And my husband's retired also, so we're just in that stage of life.

Jan: It's a good stage, isn't it?

Ruth: It's a wonderful stage. Yeah. I love it. I love it.

Jan: You know how wonderful it would be?

Ruth: Well, I have people that, you know, they're like. They're bored. They don't know what to do with themselves. And I'm like, oh, never had that problem.

So I'd like to see what that's like. Just one.

Jan: When our kids were growing up, we wouldn't.

Ruth: We.

Jan: We said that they couldn't say the B word board was not in our vocabulary. And if you didn't, I could find something for you to do, like clean your room or.

Exactly.

Ruth: That's how my mother raised us, too. Yeah. Don't you never tell your mom you're bored?

Jan: And then they always found something they forgot they had, and then they weren't bored anymore. See, it was.

Ruth: It. Right. They found something that was more fun than what we were offering them. Right, Exactly.

Jan: Exactly. So you had a little bit of interruption in. In your life with your mom had dementia. What was. Talk to us about that. What was that like for you?

Ruth: Right.

Well, you know, we were in Africa. She was widowed at age 68,

so she lived by herself for 22 years after my dad died. And she was a very strong, very stoic. You know, she raised on a farm and. And immigrant parents, and she just.

She was a rock, you know, and so living on her own. She was very independent,

and she and dad had been in ministry together,

so when he died, we were still overseas, but I have two brothers that lived in her same town in Pennsylvania,

and so they were, you know, checking in on her and looking in on her, and she actually traveled to Africa to visit us. Even after dad died, she came once without him.

So I Mean, she was just that kind of a person, you know, and nothing stopped her. Well, my brothers actually began to see more and more of her changes in her mentally.

And when we moved back to America, we moved to Kansas. And so I would fly back and forth, you know, of course we'd visit mom and everything, but I wasn't there day to day to, like, notice everything.

But there were times when I. I caught glimpses of something wasn't right, you know, And I think what really clinched it, you know, my brother's. My one brother checked on her twice a day because he's.

His office was past her house, so he would check in on the way there and on the way back. And,

you know, he began to tell me some things that he would, you know, he would go in and the water would be running, or the stove would be on and the pot would be, you know, empty, and.

Or she would just odd things, you know, that. And. Or he'd get there after work and she'd be just sitting in the dark, you know, in her living room in her chair.

And so he was looking after her the best that he could while working, of course. So then we started to hire some. A dear, sweet Kristen lady to come in and spend time with mom, kind of like a companion.

And mom always felt like she was.

The companion lady was just a visitor. You know, mom was. Was hosting this. This woman. But they became good friends and. And it was a. It was okay for a while.

Jan: Yeah.

Ruth: But she didn't have anybody there 247 to actually see what was going on during the night. And. And so I think I noticed a few things. Once when I was home, she wanted to go visit her.

Her sisters that lived a few hours away. And she had been. I mean, she had been driving back and forth from there for years previously, and so I thought nothing of it.

Sure, I'll be happy to take you down there. Well, we get partway down there. We're on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and she can't remember where she's going. Like, I'm driving, but I didn't know the way.

And it never dawned on me that my mom was going to not know how to get there. Yeah, she did not know how to get there. So it was a very interesting.

It was an interesting trip.

Eventually, I actually pulled off and got off the turnpike and got into the town. I knew that where the town was, and I actually asked. I saw a mailman in his mail truck, and I knew I was somewhere kind of in the vicinity, so I actually asked the mailman it was.

Anyway, that was a clue that she can't be driving around anymore by herself because she doesn't know where she's going.

So I think it all really came to a head on her 90th birthday.

And we all were there to have a. Her birthday was always on Mother's Day weekend. And so we always would celebrate Mother's Day and her birthday at the same time.

And so we had. The grandkids were there, and, you know, we had the cake and the flowers and the gifts and everything. And. And it became very apparent that she had no idea what was going on.

And we sang Happy Birthday to. And then. And then she goes, oh, is that what this is all about?

And then I'm like, mom, do you know whose birthday it is? And she said, no, I don't. I said, well, it's yours.

Jan: Yeah.

Ruth: You know, it's like she can't be living by herself. You know, she was just. Just. She had stopped socializing. She had stopped going to church, and church was a huge part of her life since she met the Lord as a.

As a young. Young adult.

You know, she. I mean, she's married to a minister, so, you know, that church was their life. And. But she had just stopped going anywhere. And even when someone would want to come pick her up and take her somewhere, she was not socializing anymore at all.

And that was not like her.

Jan: Yeah.

Ruth: And it. It became apparent that not only was she declining, but she was also withdrawing and becoming much more just in her own head, you know.

So we decided that she would come live with me.

Now. She wasn't ready to go anywhere. She wasn't going to leave the house that she and dad built, and she'd lived there 50 some years.

Jan: And that's a tricky transition. That transition thing is real tricky.

Ruth: It was. It was. The Lord was so good and so faithful in this. She was willing to come for a visit,

but she didn't remember that she was coming for a visit. I mean, it was kind of a funny story, but, you know, I flew home and I had been flying back and forth every three months.

I was flying back and forth just. Just to check on her during those last. That last year or so.

And I. I asked her. I told her I wanted her to come and stay with me through the winter.

And. But of course, you know, that didn't register. So we brought. I brought her out here on the plane. And that is a whole nother story. I wrote about it.

So I'm not going to tell you because it'll take too long. But he wrote about it in this book. But I brought her out here to stay with me. And of course that was a whole nother thing.

I mean, I was still working, I was on church staff, I was working full time, my husband was working full time. And yet we couldn't just leave mom in the house by herself.

So the critical time was like at night because she would get up in the night and her time clock would be all off. So she would get dressed at three in the morning and you know, she would.

Anyway, she was, she lost track of reality really time wise. And so we also knew she was in an unfamiliar place. So I didn't want her going out.

I didn't want her just letting people in during the day when I was gone.

It was a really interesting time. But you know, she had a really strong faith. She loved God. She, she. We had precious times together where every now and then I'd catch a little glimpse of something and I'd think she's back.

But then she isn't. You know how that is.

And, but every night she had this routine. She and dad used to. I would catch them when I was a kid, if I was out somewhere when I was a young teenager and I'd come in the house and it was evening,

I would hear them in their bedroom and they'd be kneeling by their bed and they'd be praying out loud with each other. And I mean, you hear them praying for us by name, right?

Well, even in her dementia she still prayed for us all by name,

whether she knew who we were or not. She prayed for us and she got us right, you know, Ruth and Pete, Paul and Deb, Bill and Jeanette. She got the couple's names right and she kept up her.

Every night she'd sit on her bed and she'd have her devotions and it was a sweet time because I would get her ready for bed and everything and then she would pat the bed beside her and she'd say, sit here.

So I'd sit down beside her and she'd have her Bible open and she'd hand it to me and she'd say, this is where we are. Read here. And then I would read whatever she said to read.

And then sometimes I would pray and sometimes she would pray. And a lot of times she'd say, you pray tonight. So I'd pray. And this was this routine. She never lost that, you know, and that's so precious.

It is. It is the neatest memory. The spiritual side doesn't die. You Know, in her spirit. I mean, she was there. God was faithful to her. And she'd say, ruth, the Lord's been so faithful.

And so one day I said, well, mom, here, your grandchildren gave you this notebook for Christmas that year. They had just given her one. And I said, why don't you start writing down ways God has been faithful?

Yeah, I would love to read that. Well, as far as she got was God's been faithful. She never wrote another thing in there.

Jan: Yeah.

Ruth: Yeah,

but it was here. Yeah. It was all in her mind and her heart. She still clung to the faithfulness of God. And I think, you know, I was on high alert the whole time because I would be.

I was. It was hard. It was like having a newborn. I don't mean that disrespectfully.

Jan: Oh, that's know. But it was. Yeah.

Ruth: I had to be constantly listening because she did fall one time in the hallway. She was on the way to the bathroom, and fortunately, it was early in the morning. My husband was still home, and he helped get her up.

And. But, you know, I'd hear her at night, so I got her to use a walker in the house, and she would. I would hear the squeak of the wheel, you know, and she was in the bedroom right next to ours.

And so I would hear her get up. And so I was always listening.

Jan: And.

Ruth: Is she up? Is she okay? Is she. You know, and I'd listen until I'd hear her get back in the bed. And.

But. So it was a. It was a very interesting time. But I think, you know, as people in our stage of life who have elderly parents that are still alive, not all of ours are gone, but I think it's difficult because you're juggling different generations, you know, grandchildren and great grandchildren and your own adult children who have so much going on in their lives.

And then, of course, your parents and I, I really firmly believe in the. The scriptural mandate, you know, to honor your father and your mother.

And so the question always is, what is the best way to honor them?

Jan: Yeah.

Ruth: So in those times when she would, like. She wanted to go home so badly. Home. Home to Pennsylvania. Home.

And I mean, the tears. She. I've been here so long, Ruth. I feel like I've been away so, so long. And I'd be like, well, mom, it' you know, it's still winter.

Which is true. It was. You know, and really, she goes, it's been so, so long. And I'd say, well, let's just take it a day at a time, you know, I love having you here.

And. And we lived overseas so long. And so a lot of my adult years, I was away, you know, from my. My family. And so being able to have her was.

I would do it again in a heartbeat. I was going to say it was a privilege. And yes, it was hard, and yes, it was hard to see her not the way she was.

But I think that's a key to caring for an elderly parent, is to remember who they were, not who they are,

and remember them as the people that were so capable and so just full of life and them and vigor. My first nursing job actually was in a long ago when I graduated from.

From nursing school. My first job was in a county nursing home.

And I'd see these people and I would. I'd wonder, who were they?

You know, I mean, this. This person. This was a vibrant,

you know, person that just. They had a full life, and you wonder who they were. Well, when we're caring for our parents, we know who they were.

And so just to keep that in mind and to just what will honor them the most. But the problem is sometimes they don't feel like it's very honoring,

you know, like, if she wants to go home, the honor. You think the honorable thing would be take her home? Yeah, but, you know, she couldn't live at home. And the other thing that was a big deal was that she.

Not only was her memory failing and everything, but. But she started to really. She was very stressed about. About money, and she never was stressed about money. My parents, they lived by faith.

And, you know, and. And they were, you know, they had kids that were in missions that were on support, and. And they knew what that was like to live, you know, moment by moment, depending on God.

Right now, here she is, like, I don't know what's happening with my money. I don't know what's happening with my finances,

and I don't. I don't want to end up living under a bridge in a box, you know, And I think,

yeah, that would never happen anyway. She has three adult children who love her. She would, you know, even if she didn't have any finances, it wouldn't matter. Right. Because she has kids.

She raised us right,

so,

so. But that anxiety about the finances,

it's so typical with people with dementia. I think as they get older and they begin to worry,

what am I going to do? How am I going to take care of myself?

You know, and then there's the paranoia, you know, which, you know, that can be a little bit difficult sometimes. To. To manage.

She was very sweet, though. She would cry because she was sad.

Jan: Yeah.

Ruth: But she could easily. I mean, she would talk to her sister on the telephone, and sometimes she called me her sister, and, you know, sometimes she would tell the one sister that the other sister was sitting here, but it was me, and.

And not her. And. And, you know, the minute she. She might cry. You know, I just really am homesick. I want to go home. And then she'd hang up and she'd be happy.

Jan: Yeah.

Ruth: I mean, that. So the emotions. There's an emotional roller coaster that you're on when you're. When you're the caregiver, and I think it bothers the caregiver more than the care receiver, because they.

From one minute. Minute to the next, the emotion changes, you know, but for the caregiver, you're feeling that I wrestled with, am I doing the right thing?

Did I make the right decision?

You know, if she's. If she's really unhappy, should I try to get her back to. To Pennsylvania and how will we manage that? And should I go there or. You know, and so looking back on it, I really did, like, once she was here until she died.

And when she died, I had the privilege of being with her,

and my son and I actually were with her in the bedroom here at the house, and I was holding her hand and holding his hand, and, And. And, you know, and.

And I had my other hand on her,

and I had a hand on her and a hand on him. And.

And I said, we're going to pray now. And she was not conscious at the end. And I said, we're going to pray now. And, you know, God was just so merciful because I prayed and I asked.

I asked God to take her. I mean, she was ready, and it was. She was that far along.

And I had had hospice in, and the hospice nurse had said, it's going to be any time now today. And. And do you want me to stay? And I said, you know, I'll call you when I need you.

Why don't you? I wanted that sacred time. And I prayed, and in my prayer, I thanked God for her and, you know, for. For who she was and. And for her love for him and his love for her.

And. And I just asked God to take her. And, you know, it was just the most. I get goosebumps because I finished praying and I said amen.

And she took one breath,

and we just looked. My breath. My son and I just looked at each other, and it's like that was. It and she was gone.

And it was amazing and wonderful and sweet and sad. All those, you know, emotions just kind of wrapped up together. And, you know, I took notes, like, every day I would write a little note about how the day went during the time she was here, because my brothers were in Pennsylvania,

and I wanted us all three,

I wanted their input every week. I would then send them the weekly note in an email so that they could see what was going on and how things were, and they could offer me any suggestions if they had them or if they thought I was doing something not right or whatever,

because I wanted us all to be on the same page. And it is out of those notes that I wrote the book. And that's why I did the book, because I had all these notes and I wanted.

Not only did I want my grandchildren to see her as they knew her now, like, at this stage in her life. I have three of my grandchildren live here in our town, and they didn't know my mom except in her latter year.

And so I wanted them to have stories other than the last year of her life. I wanted them to know. So I. In the book, I put stories of her before she had dementia.

You know, things about my mom that I want in my family. So it's really a kind of a story of mom and her faith walk and the time together. And, you know, interesting thing,

I think, for the person who's caregiving, one of the unpredictability of this disease is one of the things that just gets you because you don't know from one minute to the next what the behavior is going to be.

Right? You went through it, you know. You know, having dealt with it yourself, I'm sure that there was a lot of moment to moment or hour to hour changes in things that go on.

And it makes you. It keeps you on your toes or on your knees. And then, you know, after the caregiving ends, I think then you wrestle with different kind of feelings.

Like, you know, you have grief because there's a death, right?

But you might even have some relief,

but then you might have guilt because you feel guilty because you felt relieved.

Do you know what I mean? You know, you might have regret and you might question, like,

were my decisions the right ones? I honestly struggled with that the most, wondering if my decisions were the right ones, wondering if I had known the length of time it was going to be, which was not very long.

I'm talking half a year. She died right before she would have turned 91. 90 and 91, you know, from the birthday party until right before her, like a week before she would have turned 91.

I just, I felt like if I'd known it wasn't going to be any longer, should I have moved to her house and stayed with her? Should I have taken a leave of absence and gone to stay with her?

Should I have made. And what helped me, though, was that my brothers and my husband were so supportive and we needed that. I know that that's not always true and families can fight over what to do.

And yet my brothers would say no. Ruthie, you sent us pictures of mom when she was there with you, and she never looked better. She looked so much better and happier and healthier when she was with you.

I think it was because she was socializing.

Jan: Right.

Ruth: Right.

Jan: Yeah.

Ruth: You know.

Jan: Yeah.

Ruth: And you know, the other thing, after your caregiving for any length of time, I don't care how long our sort it is, there's that weariness. You don't realize how tired you are,

you know, until you stop. Mm. And then you need that, that caregiver needs to just take some time. Yeah. And, and, and rest because sometimes they're running back and forth to care facilities or hospital or whatever.

Or if they're in your home, you're can't sleep at night. And then also I've had people. Cause I. A lot of my friends are going through this now and I have people who after their loved one has passed away, they.

They feel like they've lost their purpose now because for the last however long, they've defined themselves by the fact that they've been caregiving. Kind of like when a mom's kids all leave the nest, you know, now what.

Yeah.

Jan: Like an empty nest. Uh huh.

Ruth: Yeah. Yeah. What do I do next?

So I think that it's important that we're there for one another,

that we can have input into each other's lives. You know, I started the caregivers group at our church before I even brought her here to live with us.

And I think that was, that was support for those who are caregiving loved ones in facilities or in their home or even long distance as I was originally.

And that way you could bounce things off each other, you could share resources.

Yeah.

Jan: And that's so important, you know, to be able to share and. Oh, that's happening with you too. Oh, it's not just me exactly.

Ruth: I remember asking one time in the group, I'm like, so this is what's happening. Is this normal aging or is this not, you know, even just questions like that? Because how do we know.

We've not lived through that yet. You know, so I challenge people to do that. I say, get. Get some support, get in a group.

And sometimes caregivers can't go to a group because why they can't leave their person. You know, we have to have somebody that can step in to give us a little time away.

Right. And that's. That is. Is critical. And I think we have to remember the good times. You know, it's like when you have a baby, you know, and you're going through labor and there's that pain and all that of labor and everything, but once you have the child,

you know that the bad times kind of go away and the good time is there. Right. And I think when we look back on the whole dementia. Dementia is a horrible disease.

It's a terrible thing. I mean, if we could stamp that out, that would be a hallelujah. Right?

Jan: Right.

Ruth: But we need to remember the good times. Also the. The times we laughed. She was so funny. She had an incredible wit.

And at times it came out in the most crazy times. You never knew when.

So the emotions were up and down and. But we laughed a lot together, and, you know, that was good. We did some. One time, oh, I thought maybe. Great to do a jigsaw puzzle.

Don't all people like to do jigsaw puzzles? Well, you know, I get this puzzle sitting there. We're working on this puzzle, and. And after a few days of this big old puzzle being spread out all over the table, I said to mom, mom, do you like doing puzzles?

She goes, not really.

Jan: I thought to myself, oh, yeah. And it's just now myself, yeah.

Ruth: But she wouldn't say anything. You know, she's. She must have been thinking, ruthie must like doing this puzzle.

Jan: So I'm gonna do it for my.

Ruth: Girl or whoever she is, you know.

Jan: Yeah. I think some of the things are similar. You know, it's. My mom was. She had her doctorate degree. I mean, she. You know, and brilliant.

Ruth: Right.

Jan: I mean, capable and, you know, full of just always learning something new. Traveled. She lived in Japan for three years so she could study Japanese textiles and dyeing processes and was right.

I mean, all kinds of things, you know, But.

But her friend, she was living in Florida, which is a little ways from Oregon a little bit.

And her close friend called me and she says, you know, I'm starting to see some things with your mom. You know, we went out, we're going to meet at a restaurant.

She didn't show up for a long while. And we finally figured that she was just lost, she didn't have any idea where she was. And so when we went, my brother and sister and I went out to go visit her just kind of when she had just found out.

And it's kind of that part I think is the hardest part because it's now it's like sand slipping through your fingers. What do you, what do we need to do before we can't, you know?

Ruth: Yes.

Jan: I mean, one of the first things I did was have her take all of her old photos and tell me who these people are. Kylie, none of us know who they are.

Your sisters are gone and there's not, you know, nobody's going to know who any of these are. So I, or label all of these photos.

But at the same time I hear in the, talking to her friend on the phone in the other room, my kids are here and they are just trying to take everything away from me.

They're just like, they're, you know, and so there's that kind of little of balance where they need to make,

have some agency and make decisions on their own before you do. And then even with my mother in law, there was this real fine balance between. She needs 24 hour care when she was in LA, which is also far from Oregon,

you know, so can I,

can I have somebody come in? And then that was way too expensive. She was going through her money way too fast, you know, so trying to find that, you know.

Well, I'm not going to pay $25 a day for anybody to come in,

I think. Well, honey, I'm not going to tell you how much time. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But I think the other thing is that to begin with you, you kind of expect them to remember things or to know things, you know, don't you remember that?

Don't you, you know, like where her friend, you know, her sister was or whatever, you know, and then that kind of. And then you have to, to really stop and go, well,

she can't because the synapses are not working anymore and they're getting all covered over with calcium and things and you know, so it's an actual physical thing. So it's just my son used to get upset with my mother in law, you know, trying to go, well, no, you know how to do this,

you know, whatever, like. And I said, you know what? Now's the time to put your acting career in practice.

Wherever they are, you just jump in with that same story and just play it out whatever way they think it is, you know. Yeah, but, yeah, she eventually came up here for a little while, and I had her in a care center close by.

But she had fallen. That's a problem. As soon as they fall, you know, whatever. She's going to take a photo across of a bird and fell and broke her whole shin, bone and ankle.

So she had surgery. And then she never wanted to walk. She could have. She never wanted to walk again, you know, so then it was like, oh, come on, that is not who you are, you know?

Ruth: Yeah.

Jan: Another thing we noticed was playing cards. We always played rummy and. And she couldn't,

you know, couldn't anymore. So that was kind of a thing, like. So. Yeah, but it was sad, but, you know, and at the very end, the last time I saw her, she didn't know who I was, but she knew the essence of who I was.

And she'd start singing, and we would sing together and all the words of the songs and, you know, old songs, and we'd sing together. And that was real precious.

Ruth: I bet that was. Yeah, that's meaningful, you know,

that's in there. I mean, you know, it's amazing the things that you think they're going to remember. They don't. But then they remember things that you wonder,

how do they get that back? How do they retrieve that?

Jan: You know, I don't know, but it's pretty precious.

Ruth: Yeah, it is precious. There was a time when mom said to me, and, you know, she had these moments, and one time she said, why can't I? I don't know.

Jan: Why.

Ruth: Why can't I remember? Why can't I remember that?

And so I said, well, Mom, I said, because she used to work in an office at the. At the camp, on the campgrounds. And I said, well, mom, you know, it's kind of like, you know, when you have a filing cabinet and get all those files in there, and there's so many in there that sometimes it's just hard to retrieve it to find the one you want.

I said, you've. You've lived a long time, and you've got a lot in there, you know, trying to retrieve it. It's not always easy anymore.

Jan: Yeah.

Ruth: And so that seemed to be. That pacified her for the moment.

Jan: Well, that makes sense. Yeah. It's a way to. To make sense out of it, too.

Ruth: So. Yeah.

Jan: We're almost out of time. Tell us. Show us your book. Tell us the name of your book.

Ruth: Oh, it's called Bringing Mother Home. It's on Amazon.

Jan: Okay.

Ruth: Journeying together through the Fog of dementia.

And I take You. Right up through to when we actually put her in our car after she passed away and drove her to Pennsylvania to, To her.

Jan: To her home.

Ruth: To her home. Yeah, we brought her home. We brought her from her home to my home and then to home and then she went home.

So it is a fog, though. Dementia. I just, I think it's like fog, you know, it's. You get in there and it gets denser and denser and denser. Right. And you're, you're journeying with them together,

you know, walking through this together, and I think that's so critical and so important and, And I, I have this one verse I think is so Great. It's Isaiah 35, 3 and 4.

It says, strengthen the feeble hands. Steady the knees that give way. Say to those with fearful hearts, be strong. Do not fear your God will come. He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution.

He'll come to save you. And I think, wow, you know, strengthen those feeble knees and do what we can, right, to steady the, the hands and the knees. And then God's promise in Isaiah 46, 4, even to your old age and gray hairs.

I am he. I am he who will sustain you. I've made you and I'll carry you. I will sustain you and rescue you.

Jan: Oh, I love that, that, that.

Ruth: Precious, isn't it, when you think about. About the elderly? So, yeah, it, I just. This was therapeutic for me to write it. It was, it was. I, I, I cried, I laughed and,

and it was for family, but it's, it's available for anybody that's interested. There's a tip sheet in here for tips for caregivers and.

Jan: Anyway, Precious, thank you.

Ruth: Thanks for chatting with me.

Jan: Dementia and Alzheimer's are an interesting thing to navigate with your parents or with others.

When I was on the cusp of it with my mom, I wanted to take advantage of everything I could. Tell me your memories, Mom. Label your precious items. Where did those porcelain horse come from anyway?

What? Your grandma brought it on a covered wagon. I took videos of her telling me history, and I'm so glad that I did. If this is you, appreciate your moments.

Some will be harder than others. But remember that though it can be frustrating, your loved one physically cannot remember things.

And coaching them to is not going to give you the desired results.

If your loved one doesn't remember you or thinks you're someone else, laugh and go with it. I believe they know the essence of who you are.

Aren't we all glad that God doesn't stop loving us ever regardless of whether we are in our right minds or not. Hallelujah. For that I would urge you to take a look at Ruth's books.

They are right from her heart. Links are in the show notes.

Do you have a friend or relative that would find value in this episode? Please share it and you can let them know that if they'd prefer to watch I always put these episodes on YouTube.

So check that out in the show notes. And if you watch on YouTube, consider subscribing. Because just as when you subscribe to this podcast and get notification when new episodes are out, the same will happen if you subscribe to my YouTube channel.

Then you won't miss any episodes.

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Who doesn't want that?

So relevant scriptures I'd like to leave you with are the ones that Ruth shared with us. Isaiah 35:3 4 With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands and encourage those who have weak needs.

Say to those with fearful hearts, be strong and do not fear, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to save you.

And Isaiah 46:4 I will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.

Blessings my friend. I so look forward to joining you next week when we hear from Kenesha Johnson. She describes herself as a black woman who struggles with low self esteem but who has found her joy in the Lord.

That will be a great episode that I'm sure you're going to enjoy and we'll see you next time.